Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen
As National Infertility Awareness Week comes to an end, we wanted to share some updates on our journey and an answer to a question that has shaped us over the past few years.
In January, when we published our first post, we had just finished our first round of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and were about to begin a second round. Unfortunately, the second round did not go as planned. We ended up only being able to implant one embryo and the little guy was not fully developed, which greatly decreased our odds. A week after implantation, we got a call, and against all odds, found out we were pregnant. We kept the news to ourselves, as we honestly could not comprehend what was happening. After a week of excitement and planning, I went back to have my levels checked again, and we found out that we had lost the baby. Although that experience brought Matthew and I to a new low that we had not yet had to deal with, it also brought new determination and hope within both of us. And so here we are, two months later, still basking in the blessings and lessons that the Lord has bestowed upon us. Though we have gone through great loss, we have also gained new strength. We do not yet know what our next step will be, but are trusting the Lord for guidance.
Throughout these past three years, Matthew and I have been faced with many difficult questions...from those around us, from ourselves, and also from the Lord. I have learned to love the questions. If our period of waiting can answer even one question that already has or someday will point someone to the Lord, we will count it as joy.
I think my most challenging question, and probably one you may have asked yourself, is this...'What do I say?" or "Do I even say anything at all?" The truth is...I do not have a "one size fits all" answer for how to talk to someone or ask them about their infertility. I think each person is different and it depends on how far along in someone's infertility journey they are and their openness to share their feelings. But hopefully sharing a little but about how we have tackled this part of infertility will help someone you love or care for.
I will start off by sharing two distinct memories from the last three years that touched my heart. The first occurred at a wedding of a dear friend a few weeks after our first blog post. As I was in the line waiting to get food, I began talking to a friend from high school that I had not seen in a while. In the middle of our small talk, she said that she did not really know the right words to say about what we had being going through, but that she wanted me to know that she was praying for me and was there if I needed anything. And that was all that needed to be said. She didn't need to have the perfect words or make something up to make me feel better. She simply acknowledged my struggle, gave me a hug, and then we moved on to talk about how beautiful the wedding was and how amazing the food was going to taste.
The second thing I will remember are the small reminders that were left on our doorstep by my support system. There were several social events or just small get togethers that I have missed over the past years that were usually nights when I had just received a negative pregnancy test or had gotten some unfavorable reports from the doctors. As much as I wanted to dress up and be sociable, I just could not get myself together. I did not want to be a downer, but I also did not want to be forgotten. And every single time, the Lord showed up in a big way through the people that cared about me. I would have flowers or a card on my doorstep the next day saying that I was missed. I had a book left on the porch that was filled with "prayers for when you don't know what to pray." One night after a missed dinner, a sweet friend knocked on the door and dropped off a piece of chocolate cake from the restaurant that everyone had just eaten at. She handed it to Matthew and said that she just wanted me to know that she was there if I needed anything.
The reason these two things stick out in my mind is because they are wonderful examples of exactly what Matthew and I both needed. In our three year journey, we have never expected anyone to have the exact words or actions that would instantly make us feel better. I honestly don't think those exist. And even if they did, I would not know how to communicate that to someone. As Matthew can probably tell you, my needs and wants change daily (sometimes hourly). I think the most important thing to understand is that those who are struggling through infertility are experiencing something new and equally challenging each day, and none of us have any easy answers. I have gained enough peace through this journey to be able to share our story with others, but others may not be at that point. And that is ok. Everyone grieves and grows on their own terms.
So if you care for or know someone struggling with infertility, you do not always have to have the perfect words or know exactly what to do. Simply being there is enough. Be present and be patient. Take advantage of the times when they are willing to open up, but don't forget what they are facing when they choose to be silent.
From the Husband's Heart
As a man, our natural instinct is to want to fix things. This is especially true when your wife is hurting. I can remember talking after a doctor visit where certain circumstances meant that we'd have to take a month off before trying again, and feeling helpless. My first thought was to immediately rush in with things we could change or do differently to improve our odds next month. However, nothing I said ever seemed to ease the pain or make things better.
Sometimes there really is nothing you can do. James 1:19 says "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak". From that, I've learned that one of the best things you can do when someone shares a struggle with you is to ask more questions and share less opinions.
I've heard it said "You don't quit things, you replace them." In an effort to replace my natural instinct to immediately reply with my own thoughts on what a solution might be, I've started making myself ask the question "How does that make you feel?" first. Once I've at least asked that question I can allow myself to give in and share my thoughts. However, often I find that once I ask that question the reply will completely change what I was about to say. Often she's really not looking for me to fix anything. She just wants to know I understand, she's not crazy, and I'm there for her.
However, since it is incredibly hard to just do nothing, I've also started asking "Is there anything I can do for you?" If I'm truly seeking to be helpful, who knows better what they need than the person who is hurting? Providing them the opportunity to think on what they need and how you might could help empowers them to truly allow you to let you help them.
When Satan tempted Jesus in the desert, Jesus replied with scripture. When I'm tempted to speak quickly and not listen, I remind myself of James 1:19 and attempt to "keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." (Joshua 1:8)
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