To Hope Or Not To Hope
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12
Infertility isn’t something you only deal with at the end of the month. If you let it, it can dominate every aspect of your life. Blood tests, doctor’s visits, shots, new medicines, it can all get quite overwhelming. When you devote that much time and energy to something you want it to mean something. You want to feel like it makes a difference. So when the end of the month arrives and along with it comes another failed pregnancy test, it can be a struggle gathering up enough courage to try again.
Do this every month for several years and you begin to ask yourself, is it really worth getting my hopes up? The positive side of hope is that it helps fuel you day in and day out so that you can do everything the doctor is asking of you. The negative side of hope is felt when all your efforts return null and void and the negative outcome is realized. So ask yourself, is it better to hope and fail, or would it all just be easier if you never allowed yourself to hope for anything?
“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.” (Romans 5:1-11)
After reading my Bible I think I’d like to rephrase my question to something much simpler. What is your hope in? If you are struggling with infertility, each month you may be tempted to hope in the doctor, in a new medicine, or in a lab result. However, we live in a fallen world and because of that we are not promised that this life will be without troubles. So if your hope is in anything this world offers, you might get lucky, but you might not. Sometimes cancer wins, sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes the pregnancy test is negative. So when Paul says hope does not disappoint in Romans 5:5, how can that be true? “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)
Outwardly, Kendall and I are struggling with infertility. It is not something we’ve chosen and it is not something we have much control over. What we do have control over is what is going on inside of us. We get to choose if we let this struggle cause us to push God away or pull Him closer. If we allow ourselves to cling to God during trials and tribulations we allow Him to fill us with a hope that will never disappoint. The hope that no matter what struggles we must endure in our lifetime, they won’t compare to the joy we will experience with our Creator for eternity.
In the middle of your trial, focusing your mind on eternity may not be easy. Don’t expect that a switch will just flip and everything will be all better. Instead, simply take one step and “draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8) “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28) “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)
From the wife’s heart: I think Matthew spoke so accurately when he asked, “What are you hoping IN?” If you had asked us three years ago what we were hoping FOR, the answer would have been, “a baby.” It seemed like a pretty simple answer. Graduating, getting a job, getting married, buying a house…these are all natural things in the progression of life. And for us, having a baby was another one of those steps. But the most beautiful part of the past three years has been watching the Lord rewrite what we thought would be our story. It has challenged us to change our thinking and to start asking ourselves different questions. It made us start asking, “why?”
Why do we want a baby? We both agreed that besides getting to dress them up and teach them to love Auburn football, at the core of being a parent is our desire to get the privilege of sharing Jesus with another human being and watching someone grow in their faith. Once we realized WHY God placed a desire in our hearts to become parents, we begin to see ways in our lives that He was already fulfilling those hopes.
Every Tuesday morning, I have close to 100 students that sit in my classroom looking for answers. Granted, what I teach them is to prepare them for their future as nurses, but I can also subtly share with them what I would share with my child. So that’s what I do. I tell them they are valuable. I make sure they know that they are unique and chosen. And that my faith in their abilities will never change based on their test scores.
In treating my students as I would my own child, I have discovered where my hope lies. And it is not in whether or not Matthew and I are parents. My hope is in Jesus Christ, who is equipping me for what lies ahead, but who has also equipped me for what is already in front of me.
Comments