A Few Steps at a Time

I think the words I would use to describe the whole infertility process for us would be “out of control.” I don’t necessarily mean that I throw temper tantrums or do crazy things, although I would be lying if I said those things don’t happen occasionally. I think what is more accurate is that we both constantly feel helpless. Each month has become a toss-up. I relate it to standing at a crossroads and having to choose the right road to get home, but always choosing the wrong road. You always take the road that adds two hours to your trip, and then somehow still end up right where you started, or even two streets away from where you started. But the even more frustrating thing about infertility, is that you don’t even get to choose the road in the first place. Your body, your hormones, your ovaries, and multiple other things are choosing for you each month.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord determines our steps.” Proverbs 16:9

The worst part about not being in control, is not being able to make a plan. Matthew and I are very similar in the way that we approach things, or at least we were a few years ago. We used to both like to make lists, mark things off, accomplish things and then move on. Trying to get pregnant took away that desire for me. I still try to make lists at work and attempt to keep my calendar straight, but when your life is ruled by something you cannot make a list or a quick fix for, you start living day by day. My thought process began to be, “well, you don’t know what your body is going to do today or this month and you can’t change it, so why should you try to plan or change anything else?” Living that way sucks the life out of you. You adopt the attitude that your efforts, your abilities, and your time are all a waste. Everything becomes a burden. Making a grocery list is exhausting, cleaning the house is pretty much out of the question, and putting on a “happy face” is pretty much your only option.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55: 8-9

Not being able to plan my emotions was one of the biggest struggles for me. Those close to me know that I am very skilled at keeping my feelings to myself, especially feelings that make me vulnerable. So spontaneously bursting into tears and yelling when someone wanted to take a bite of my food on the way home from the beach was not one of my proudest moments. And I could name many more moments similar to that one. It is very similar to being outside of yourself watching and wanting to make it stop, but you can’t. I remember repeating, “Don’t do it. Don’t cry...Stop crying. Stop crying.” Not being able to plan my life or my emotions constantly ate at my confidence and my desire to spend time around other people.

It is very easy to get stuck in this place. But this place is where the Lord met my weakness with His strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “But this is what the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’…That is why I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

His grace is sufficient. In my weakness and frailty and helplessness, there is a God who is over all. He is stronger, when I am not. Especially when I am not. Acknowledging my lack of control is what started to soften my heart. The tight grasp that I had around my job, my schedule, my emotions, my body…began to loosen. I realized that I could spend the rest of my life trying to hold everything together, and not make one dent. But that is not an excuse to quit trying. It simply means that I make myself smaller in the equation, so that the Lord can become bigger.

I cannot make my body do what I want it to, but I can give the Lord praise for the good and the bad months, knowing that He has already planned each appointment, each blood draw, and each procedure. I cannot plan things perfectly at work, but I can plan them with flexibility, so that the Lord can have room to speak through me. I cannot keep my emotions in check all of the time or even relay them accurately, but I can express my feelings honestly to those around me and trust that the Lord will allow them to see through the tough outer shell.

During our last IVF cycle, on a snow day before Christmas 2017, I took the picture below. Those are the two miracle embryos that survived and were implanted back in my uterus in early December of last year. We took the picture just in case one or both of them took. It would have been our first picture with them. Those two beautiful blobs, for about a week, were the closest we had ever been to knowing what it felt like to be pregnant. Neither of the embryos were successful, and I started my period a few days after this picture was taken, but it is probably one of my favorite pictures I have taken in the past few years. The person I was six months ago would have never taken this picture, because it represents living in hope, rather than in shame and fear. For me, the picture is a reminder that I am not in control and never will be. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I can lay each day down before the Lord and know that He is always there for me.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

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From the Husband’s Heart

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Psalm 119:105

In our modern world of electricity it can be fairly rare to experience total darkness. Somewhere out in the distance someone usually has a light on. However, if you think back to biblical times, if you were on a journey in the darkness, a lamp would be vital. While the light it provides may not be widespread, it offers enough for you to safely take the next step.

The road of infertility can often feel dark. Like a small child on a road trip I frequently ask God, “Are we there yet?” and “How much longer?” It can be frustrating not knowing when or where this road will end, but God never promised us a crystal ball into the future. He only ever promised us just enough light for us to take the next step.

Honestly, if God told me years ago that it would take several years to get pregnant, I would’ve probably done my own thing for the first few years and would’ve just expected Him to swoop in last second and make true on His promise to deliver a child. He knew that if He laid out how He planned to use this journey to bring Kendall and I closer to each other and to Him, that we would’ve more than likely chosen our own way and wandered off the path He made.

Instead He used our infertility to remind us how dark the world is outside of Him. Fear, loneliness, worry, anger, shame. They became more real with each month we failed to get pregnant. Grasping for any glimmer of light we found ourselves praying more and talking more. The more we prayed, the more we allowed God to direct our next steps. The more we talked, the more we understood each other, encouraged each other, and pointed each other back to God.

We may not always understand why we are on this road and we may not really know where we are headed. However, with each new day we simply rely on God to show us our next step and trust that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28)