Do you want an A or do you want to understand the material?
As we begin a new year, Matthew and I have been felt led to share what the Lord has been teaching us over the past two and a half years. We firmly believe that our journey was hand-crafted by Our Savior to not only change our hearts, but to hopefully reach the hearts of others. We simply feel that we have learned too much about God and His infinite grace to keep our story to ourselves.
As a nursing professor to first semester students, I have learned more about myself, God's love and grace, and about the human body than I ever imagined. Reflecting on the past year and a half of teaching, I realize how many times I ask the following question (usually after a student has struggled on a test)..."Do you want an A or do you want to understand the material?" The answer normally falls somewhere between those two options. Their first gut reaction is that they want an A, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Getting an A in a class, or even simply passing the class, is always something to strive toward. But underlying the desire to succeed in this one class, is also hopefully the desire to learn and understand the information so that they can take care of patients when they are on their own.
This question has become part of my teaching philosophy in the classroom, but different versions have begun to trickle throughout other areas of Matthew and I's life. Without realizing it, God has been asking us the same question for the past two and a half years of our lives together. But our question is a little different:
"Do you want a baby or do you want to understand what I have in store for you, even if that does not include what you pictured?"
Matthew and I began our path towards starting a family in the Summer of 2015. We started with prayer and then moved on to examine where we were at physically and spiritually in our lives to make sure we were ready. About six months into the process, we began to see a physician in Auburn to see if there was anything we could do differently to increase our odds. Knowing my family history concerning fertility, we expected to need a little help. But after a year of trying and a using different fertility medications, we were still not pregnant. At this time, we were sent to Montgomery to get a second opinion. We were slowly getting pieces to the puzzle, but as we got more answers, the desire in us to become parents became stronger.
We tried a couple of new medications and procedures, but ultimately ended up coming to the conclusion that IVF (in vitro fertilization) would be a good option for us. I have included a link to a website with information about IVF at the bottom if you want to learn more. Without getting too much into the details, the first round of IVF did not turn out the way we expected. So we are currently in the beginning stages of our next round of IVF with a different combination of medications.
There are many more details that we may share at a later date, but the reason we kept it brief is because although our story has included valleys and peaks, it has never been about Matthew and I. It has always been about the Lord and what He wanted to teach us about His endless love for us.
Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to Him, and He will make your path straight."
Since the beginning, we always knew that God would receive glory for whatever our story developed into, but we never imagined the wonderful things He would teach us during some of the darkest times we have experienced. Infertility is hard, do not mistake my words, but in the waiting, there are new things that have grown. We do not have a baby now, and we may never have what we set out to have when we began, but He has created something beautiful and life changing from the ashes of our broken expectations. We are daily working on trusting God and letting go of our expectations and understanding of what we thought we wanted or needed.
We intended to write this series of blog posts for ourselves, to remind us and our future child, of the faithfulness and providence of the Lord. But infertility has been written into our marriage and our lives, just as it was written at the beginning of time. It is part of who we are now. It has molded and shaped us, and keeping it to ourselves, feels a little like hiding our hearts. So as we pray and seek the Lord's wisdom, we wanted to open up about what He has been teaching us.
My personal desire is to shed light on how this season has affected me as a wife and woman and to share my story in hopes that others can learn from what I have struggled through. As a couple, Matthew and I want to share what it has felt like to go through this time together, and to let others know that they are not alone.
We have come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with yearning for an A or for a baby, but more than that, we want to understand what He has in store for us, despite the end goal.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/in-vitro-fertilization/about/pac-20384716
From the Husband's Heart:
Each month that brought another failed pregnancy test reminded me of another waiting period I'd experienced in my life. From a very young age I can remember pursuing "the one". If it were up to me, my romantic life would have mirrored Corey and Topanga's relationship on Boy Meets world. Meet when you are young. Start dating. Years go by and when you get old enough, you get married. However, that's not what God had planned for me.
I was single through most of middle and high school which led to a lot of prayers where I'd ask God why. I was convinced being loved by a girl was what I was missing and the only thing that would fill the hole in my heart. It took God giving me what I thought I needed and having it fail before I finally let go of my definition of love and marriage and let God put new desires in my heart. When I opened myself to Him, He showed me His great love for me and helped me understand that the only reason I'd be granted the bride I desired was so that I could be a vessel for Him to reveal His unending love for her as well.
I believe our God is a good God. Believing that gives me peace that just as He allowed me to go through a period of waiting for a wife so that He could reveal to me His definition of love, I know there's a reason why Kendall and I are waiting for Him to bless us with a child. Each new day I pursue that, understanding and claiming God's word, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7) It may seem like a simple request asking God for the A, for a wife, or for a child, but I believe if God is denying His children something good that they want, He must have something even greater planned.
Comments